


We Both Jumped

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Burning, Cutting, Enemies to Lovers, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Hux, Graphic Description, Hux is not okay, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 18:45:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6716761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux cried out as yet another wave of power rushed through him and the planet seemed to shudder as well. He was beyond coherency at this point. The galaxy flitted behind his eyes: glimpses of various nebulae and systems, all the different possibilities of what was to come and what had already passed. He could feel everything and nothing at the same time.</p><p>He felt infinite.</p><p>(A force sensitive!Hux AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Both Jumped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Starkiller base is destroyed. Despite how much he would rather not, Hux goes and retrieves Ren.

Emotion was something Hux always tried to abstain himself from. It was messy, and irrevocably complicated. It was what led so many men and women to their deaths. It was even in the end which sentenced Ren’s father before he had even set foot on the bridge.

Hux glanced out the window, watching the debris of the frozen planet fly past him with little interest. The Starkiller base was destroyed, there was nothing left to salvage from it. Hux had realized this at the very moment of their defeat. It was as they were preparing to escape that a breathless lieutenant came up and informed him that Lord Ren had still not returned from his battle with the scavenger girl.

 _Foolish_ , Hux thought. Only someone as ignorant and blindsided as Ren would march off to battle a force sensitive while injured. He had seen the Resistance ships leave, along with the Millennium Falcon. Ren had been defeated.

Hux entertained the notion of just flying away from the godforsaken planet and leaving Ren or his corpse to freeze, but resigned to put together a small team to retrieve the man. No matter his personal desires Snoke would not be pleased to learn that his pet had been possibly killed by a girl scarcely aware of her abilities and left to die by his own forces. Not to mention he would already have his life on the line for the destruction of their super weapon that so much time and resources had been put into.

No, it wouldn’t do at all Hux decided as the small ship they had taken landed on top of the deep snow. He sighed and stood from where he had been sitting. He made his way to the cockpit and spoke curtly, “I will take the troopers with me to retrieve Ren. Phasma, stay here and watch over the ship.”

“Understood, sir,” Phasma said with a subtle tilt of her head. She still had her helmet on, and was tense, ready to fight at any moment. Not that Hux could blame her. The planet was on the verge of collapse.

Hux nods and turns his attention to the three soldiers sitting in the passenger's seats perfectly still. “Troopers, come with me. We’re to retrieve Lord Ren as quickly as possible so we may rendezvous with the rest of the crew.”

They hadn't even saluted yet when Hux had turned around and already began walking off the ship. He fought to suppress a shiver as the crisp freezing air swept over his whole body. He shrugged it off with a sigh and began marching through the woods, greatcoat pulled tightly around his lithe frame.

The wind bit at his cheeks and had him squinting ahead of him. They had been walking for ten minutes now and Hux was becoming increasingly impatient. Each tremor the planet gave underneath him only reminded him of his failure and further added to his irritation. He could feel rage boiling inside him and desperately tried to keep it buried. Getting worked up would achieve nothing, except maybe the minor convenience of screaming his frustrations at the trees surrounding them.

He reached down to call back to Phasma, and tell her that they were heading back, and would need to look for Ren from above first. However, just as his fingers brushed against the device he felt a subtle pressure in his mind. It was a passive sensation, as there was no pain, but he could feel the pressure in his mind slightly tugging to his right.

He followed it without question, gesturing for the troopers behind him to hurry as he started to jog. He broke through the brush into a clearing, where there was a deep gash within the ground and there, not more than a few hundred feet away from him, was the limp figure of Kylo Ren in the snow.

He walked up to him cautiously and let out a sigh when he saw that the man was indeed still breathing. The snow beneath him was a deep scarlet, having been soaked with Ren’s blood. Hux saw he now had another wound aside from the one inflicted by the bowcaster spanning from across his face and into his right shoulder.

Hux turned and motioned the two troopers forward, before turning back to Ren and glaring at him. “You know I hate it when you invade my mind using your force tricks. Refrain from doing the same in the future,” he sneered, feeling another spike of pure anger as Ren’s eyes slowly fluttered open a few mere millimeters. They were wet, bloodshot, and cycling through so many emotions Hux found it dizzying to attempt to watch them all.

Confusion spread across the man’s face as he took in what Hux had said. His arms twitched as he attempted to sit up but his body did not budge. It was spent, a fact that irritated him greatly.

“I… did no such thing,” Ren says slowly, struggling to move for a few more moments before finally resigning and sinking back into the snow. His breathing was ragged and he looked immensely tired.

Hux scoffed. “Right,” he said sarcastically. “I suppose some other mystical being led me here then, is that it?”

He received no answer but a short glare as Ren’s eyes slipped back closed. They quickly fluttered open again, rapidly repeating the motion in his poor attempt to stay awake.

“Either way,” Hux continues. “We need to get away from here as soon as possible. I have brought soldiers with me to help carry you back to the ship. Don’t fuss. The Captain has already waited long enough.”

He turns as begins walking back in the direction they came from. He can practically feel Ren’s glower burning into his back as the troopers lift him, eliciting hushed hisses of pain when they jostle him too much.

The trek back to the shuttle takes longer, in no small part due to the three troopers struggling to move Ren’s massive figure without agitating his injuries. Hux finds himself frequently having to stop and wait for them to catch up before continuing his brisk pace again.

They eventually arrive at the door and Hux gives it three short knocks, before the locking mechanisms hiss as they release and the door opens. Phasma is in already there, nodding to him quickly and then going to help lead the troopers to the back where she had scrounged together a makeshift bed.

Once Ren had been set down Hux waved away the soldiers. “Return to your seats. Phasma, steer us out of here. I’ll take care of Ren’s injuries.”

She nodded and didn't question him. It wasn't long before the ship was off the ground and flying back in the direction they had came from. Hux busied himself with gathering what little first aid supplies were on board and began to soak a rag with alcohol to clean the wounds.

Ren’s hooded eyes watched him closely. His face was contorted, half in pain and half in frustration.

“Why did you come back for me?” Ren asked, voice hoarse and barely above a whisper.

Hux raised a brow. “It may be hard to understand with all of that self loathing you do, but Snoke values you, highly I might add. It would just be putting another nail in my coffin to leave you.” He put the alcohol aside and got the bandages out, leaving them ready off to the side. “I imagine he will at least be pleased you came out of your foolish fight alive.”

Ren snorts quietly to himself. “Right, Snoke…”

The sentence hangs in the air before Hux grows tired of waiting for an explanation. He sets the rag aside and motions to Ren,

“I’m going to need to remove your clothes. Sit up.”

His only answer is a rolling of deep brown eyes so Hux sighs and starts tugging the man up by the fabric covering his chest, ignoring the choked grunts of pain the Knight makes.

Once the bloodied robe was off of Ren’s body Hux disposed of it in a heap in the corner. He grabbed the alcohol soaked rag once again and set to work on cleaning the man's wounds.

Hux was acutely aware of Ren’s eyes boring into him the entire time he worked. He tried to ignore it for as long as he could, but found himself letting out an exasperated sigh once he finished with Ren’s shoulder.

“What is it?” he asked pointedly, tossing the third bloodied rag behind him and grasped for another. It felt like Ren’s wounds kept bleeding just to spite him.

“It's you,” the Knight answered slowly. “You feel… different.”

“Well considering my project I have been working on for well over a year now has been destroyed in less than a few hours, yes I could imagine I might be a bit frustrated.”

Ren shook his head. “No, that's not it.”

“Yeah? What else is it then? Is my uniform rumpled? Did my hair change color when you weren't looking?”

Hux was immediately met with an ice cold glare, which he returned just as, if not more, viciously. Ren scoffed lightly and looked away at nothing.

“Forget it.”

“Gladly.”

 

***

 

Once Hux was done placing the bacta bandages on Ren he checked in with Phasma one last time to receive an estimate on their arrival before retiring to one of the rooms in the back. He contemplated stripping down before he decided against it and sat down on the bed and pulled the thin sheets up around him, shivering slightly as the adrenaline from the day wore off.

The day had been, in short, nothing but a disaster. He could practically hear his father screaming at him now, calling him failure and disgrace. Not that it was uncalled for; Hux wouldn't be surprised if he put in the airlock for this. He certainly deserved it.

_“Look at me when I’m talking to you,” his father growled and brought his hand down again, slapping his son viciously across the face._

_Hux winced as his head snapped to the side but kept his eyes trained on his father. Defiance did him no good once he got like this._

_“Good. Now what happened in combat training today?”_

_Hux swallowed the blood that had pooled in his mouth and spoke,_

_“We were practicing hand to hand combat, sir. Being in the top ten, I was partnered with someone similar in rank.”_

_He swallowed a hiss when the grip on his hair tightened, only allowing a grimace to show through._

_“And what else?” his father grit out._

_“I…” he gasped when his hair was roughly pulled back to make him look up once again. The movement made his scalp feel like it was on fire._

_“Out with it boy!”_

_“I fell during the sparring session. I--I succumbed to the pain and did not get back up after.”_

_Hux couldn't help but cry out as his head was violently slammed into the table, three times before he gathered enough control to cease making any noise so his father would stop. His bottom lip quivered with effort to remain silent but he returned his gaze to his father and waited._

_“You,” his father seethed. “Are to **never** give up on a fight, even while injured. I would rather see you dead then hear my son surrendered to the enemy. Do you understand me?”_

_“Yes, sir,” he managed to wheeze out before the grip on his hair retracted._

_“Now go have your mother help bandage you up. You look fucking hideous,” was the last his father said before he left the room._

_Hux sat hunched over at the table, panting as he tried to focus and ignore the blood running from his nose and mouth. He knew he needed to move but his limbs wouldn't comply._

_He faintly heard the door in front of him opening and closing and the soft click of heels approaching him._

_There were fingers gently running through his hair for a moment before they were gone again, just as quick as they had came._

_He peaked up through teary eyes and saw the familiar stature of his mother standing there, gazing at his pathetic form bleeding on the table. He didn't need to see her face to recognize the disappointment in her tone._

_“Why do you do this to us?”_

_He had no answer._

Hux snapped out of the memory and his hands reflexively flew to his face, feeling to make sure it was still intact and not bleeding. He sighed in relief when his fingers ran across nothing but smooth skin and melted back into the bed.

The moment was short lived when he noticed the dark figure standing in the corner of his room and immediately jumped up, pointing his blaster at the target, ready to fire.

It took him a few seconds to recognize the figure was Ren and he threw his blaster back to the bed, cursing.

“Fucking hell, Ren. What do you want?”

Ren paused, seemingly surprised by being noticed, and stepped forward.

“Where is your father now?” the knight asked, completely ignoring his previous question.

Hux clenched his jaw in an attempt to not lose his composure.

“Are you truly so bored that you need to invade my thoughts?”

Ren’s eyes flickered dangerously as he glared at him. He took several strides forwards towards the bed and Hux, who was now standing, meeting him with an equally intense glare of his own.

“It wasn't as if I had much choice. You’re projecting. Loudly. I wouldn't be surprised if the scavenger girl could hear you,” Ren bit out.

“And me remembering an old memory just gives you the right to invade my room? I think not,” Hux scoffed. “More importantly, why are you even moving around? I’m not going to bandage you up again fool.”

“I didn't ask you to save me from that planet,” Ren growled, eyes getting darker by the second.

“Right, was I supposed to just leave your pathetic body there? Because your suicidal tendencies led you to face the girl on your own? Killing your smuggler scum father must have truly shattered that fragile heart of yours--”

Hux was forced to stop speaking as he felt invisible hands wrap around his throat in a vice grip. He gasped as his oxygen was cut off completely and his esophagus was crushed, but refused to struggle like he knew Ren wanted.

 _You think this is intimidating?_ He thought, knowing Ren could hear him based off the rage in his eyes. _This is **nothing** compared to what I’ve been through, what I will go through, especially now that Starkiller is destroyed._

“I could kill you right now,” Ren said, through clenched teeth. “Stop.”

If Hux could laugh at that moment, he would have. Instead all that came up was a strangled sort of wheeze as he made direct eye contact with Ren.

_Don't you get it you imbecile? I. Don't. Fear. Death._

He saw Ren’s mouth twitch at that, a new unreadable expression taking over his face. Sympathy? Concern?

Black was nearly taking over all of his vision now, and Ren’s face was nothing but a blur. Just as his eyes were beginning of to roll back however, the invisible choke hold dissipated and Hux dropped to the floor, violently coughing and gasping.

Ren stared at him wide eyed, as if he couldn’t believe what he was witnessing. Hux was still gasping on the ground, his vision slowly returning to him.

 _Shit. Shit! Too long. Too long…_ Hux’s brows furrowed as he heard Ren speak. He couldn’t see his lips moving whatsoever. Under normal circumstances he would have questioned it further, however, he was furious and he glared at Ren from the floor with enough malice to send even the most hardened soldiers running. If his vision wasn’t still dancing he would have swore he could see Ren take a step back.

“Get out,” he seethed, despite the immense pain in his neck. His voice was weak and each syllable felt like a thousand shards of glass running down his throat, but he refused to let that stop him.

“Get out of my room,” he repeated when he saw Ren hesitate. His expression was unreadable and he had a hand outstretched as if he wanted to help, but Hux was having none of it.

“ _Now!_ ” he roared.

Had he been able to, he may have laughed at how quickly the knight fled from the room, the door quietly zipping shut behind him. The room was filled with silence, only the slow hum of the engine interrupting it. He knew he had went too far. He remembered fleetingly hearing the news of Han Solo's death amidst the chaos of the collapsing ice planet. However Hux really hadn't been trying to be fair; he was simply lashing out. The emotional stress was rapidly proving to be too much for him today. He closed his eyes and lay there panting on the floor for however many more minutes before he finally dragged himself off to the bathroom.

He braced himself with both hands on the sink and slowly brought his eyes up to the mirror to assess the damage. He felt a flurry of emotions fly through him: anger, humiliation, shame. He lifted a shaking hand to trace the already darkening bruise forming on his throat, hissing softly. His eyes were red; Hux was sure multiple blood vessels in his eyes had probably burst.

 _Hideous_ , he thought and abruptly turned away from the mirror. He was a general and now? His base lay in ruins, their super weapon was nothing more than scrap metal floating in space, and he was most definitely heading for death row. That or whichever horrible torture Snoke would impose upon him later, which frankly leave him no more than a drooling and brain dead.

He felt his chest tighten with despair as the reality of the day began to catch up to him. His breath began to quicken and he quickly began to shed his uniform, suddenly feeling as if he was being smothered. He stepped into the shower, turning the water as hot as it could go. He slid down the wall to the bottom of the tub, curling in on himself as he began to hyperventilate.

The water was too hot, his skin was quickly turning red, but Hux made no move to change the temperature. The pain was welcome.

Blaster fire and that wretched alarm echoed in his mind. There wouldn't be any surviving this. Starkiller had been everything. He had fought the elderly Empire fanatics that still made up more than half of the counsel for this project. He had stood there in full confidence and tirelessly argued the weapons usefulness and necessity. No doubt they would all be calling for his head now. If they didn't kill him, he would be stripped of rank and tortured first. As Hux began to run through all of the possible outcomes for his situation it was steadily becoming more and more clear that these were his last few days. 

Hux stares down at his hands, taking in the wrinkled appearance of his fingertips due being under the water for too long. His entire life had led up to this. All of his peers that he'd had to strike down, abuse and mental anguish he had endured. All for this.

Weighing his options yet again, the general begins to question whether or not suicide would be a kinder alternative at this point.

///

If Hux had thought the pain is throat was bad before he fell asleep, it was a thousand times worse the next morning. It hurt to move his head, to swallow, and he couldn't even fathom trying to talk like this.

He wanted to recoil from his reflection in the mirror. The red marks had now progressed into deep purple blotches, blooming across his entire neck and nearly impossible to conceal under his collar. He inwardly cursed as he realized that a blood vessel had ruptured in his right eye, the bottom outer corner now a bright scarlet.

He looked like a wreck.

He knew he should be furious with Ren, with everything, but all Hux could manage to muster was a plaguing sense of apathy. He didn't want to leave the room, to face Captain Phasma with his bruises, the possibility of having to address Supreme Leader Snoke with his non-existent voice. His throat ached at just thought of having to give another speech.

He shook the thoughts from his mind and prepared to exit the room, smoothing down his hair and straightening his uniform as best he could.

The corridor was silent. The three stormtroopers were still strapped into their seats, slumped slightly in sleep. He made his way to the front of the ship, sitting down in the copilot seat next to Phasma, who was still alert and monitoring their course diligently.

Her helmet was off and she glanced at him as he entered the cockpit. Hux saw her eyes immediately go to his neck, and self-consciously scrunched down in his chair in an attempt to hide the prominent bruise peaking out of his collar. There were a few beats of silence before Phasma broke it.

“Are you okay Hux?” she asked softly. It held a double meaning. The question holding an offer to explain if he wanted, but also still giving him an outing if he so desired. The kind of understanding that only came from years of friendship.

Hux chewed on his lip for a few seconds before answering.

“I--” he had started, completely forgetting about the state of his voice before he erupted into a violent fit of coughing, feeling as if throat was being ripped apart.

He rapidly blinked away the tears forming at the corner of his eyes and weakly gestured to his neck, looking away from Phasma and to the ground. This is what he liked about Phasma, he could show weakness and the captain respected him no less than before. It was an advantage of knowing one another since the Academy.

Hux saw Phasma’s hands clench into fists on her thighs as she breathed through her nose sharply.

“Lord Ren…” she spat, making the title 'lord' sound like an insult. Hux smirked to himself and looked out the window, absently taking in space rushing past them. He knew the Captain didn't care for the Knight anymore than he did.

_He’s too far out of line._

Hux nodded and continued staring out the window, assuming she had spoken. There was a reason he and Phasma got along so well. Their mutual desire for order had created a strong friendship that stayed with them as they rose in the ranks. Hux respected her attentiveness to the stormtroopers under her command, and occasionally himself. It was refreshing to talk with her over a glass of brandy on the rare days their days off synced up.

They say in comfortable silence for the next few hours before Ren came lurking about in the cockpit. Phasma had put her helmet back on as soon as she heard the echoing footsteps, not trusting herself to keep a neutral expression around the knight.

“Captain Phasma,” Ren said, voice still sounding strange without his mask. “Could you leave the General and I alone for a moment?”

Her fist clenched for a second, before she responded, voice sounding smooth despite her anger.

“Of course, Lord Ren.”

Ren quickly took her seat as she left, waiting until she was out of the cockpit to turn to Hux.

Hux glared at him, not knowing what Ren could possibly want with him at this moment. The knight had since removed the bacta pad from his face, an unsightly red cut still running through his face, just under his right eye and down. Hux wanted to scoff. The wound would scar if this idiot didn't keep his bandages on.

Ren’s mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he was unsure what to say

“How is your throat?” he eventually asked.

Hux saw red momentarily. How was his throat? The bastard could see the bruises on his neck couldn't he? His eye? Hux pursed his lips and dug his fingers into his thigh, reminding himself that he couldn't reply with a snarky comment as he desperately wanted to. He settled for glaring at him instead, trying to convey what he was feeling through the gaze.

Ren visibly wilted under the gaze, fidgeting in the pilot chair, as he spoke again.

“Will you at least tell me how bad it is?”

It took everything in Hux to not burst into sardonic laughter. He bit the inside of his cheek and leaned forward in his chair, still glaring.

 _Do you seriously expect me to be able to speak after what you did to me you fucking lunatic?_ He thought, knowing Ren heard him as he flinched. _Well you got your goddamn wish. I can’t speak without the feeling of a thousand knives ripping down my throat you piece of bantha shit._

“I…” Ren trailed, looking lost at what to say. “I-I can fix it.” He quickly rushed out the rest when Hux raised a skeptical brow at him.

“It’s an special power Supreme Leader Snoke has been working with me on. I’ve been getting better at it. I could heal your throat; so you could speak.”

Ren’s hopeful expression fell when Hux replied to him.

 _Like I hell I would let you touch me again_ , Hux seethed. _You and your fucking magic tricks are what got me here in the first place._

Ren’s expression had a blip of anger spread across it at the word magic before it was replaced by something else. Hux might have mistaken it for regret if he believed the knight capable expressing any remorse for his actions.

“I’m trying to help,” Ren insisted, shaking his head. Hux abruptly turned to glare at him.

 _You don’t fix anything. You destroy_ , he thought. _I’m done with this conversation. Now get out of my head._

Hux felt a rush of something dark run through him for a second, and he breathed a sigh of relief as he felt Ren exit his mind. The knight stared at him for a few more moments before he gave up and left the cockpit, leaving it empty. Phasma came back in, not much later and returned to her task of monitoring the course, making sure they were still on track to rendezvous with the others.

Hux leaned back in his chair and stared out the window, and quietly began to wonder again about what might happen once they reached Supreme Leader Snoke's citadel.

///

The next three days on the ship were dull. Hux was finally able to speak once again without significant pain, though his voice had still been raspy for a bit. He and Phasma held pleasant conversations while they flew on occasion. The silence between them was just as comfortable as talking, another benefit of their years of companionship.

Whenever Phasma retired to the rooms in the back to rest for a few hours Ren would come lurking. He would take the pilot’s seat she had left open and sit there. Hux never said anything and Ren never spoke. Eventually Phasma would come back and Ren would take his leave, wordlessly eyeing the Captain on the way back to his quarters.

So it came as a surprise to Hux when Ren actually spoke to him on the fourth day.

“You haven’t slept,” he stated simply.

Hux blinked, hardly registering the other had spoken. He pulled out of his thoughts and looked at Ren, brows raised.

“Pardon?”

“It’s been three days and you still haven’t slept.”

“And you would know that how?” Hux countered, eyes narrowing.

Ren was silent for a moment. He chewed his lip, thinking about how to respond, before opening his mouth.

“You have nightmares. Often,” he began. “They’ve been getting harder to ignore recently.” Ren shifted uncomfortably, looking unsure if he wanted to continue.

“And then the night Hosnian Prime was destroyed… it was unbearable.”

Hux grimaced. He remembered that night too well. He had woken up hyperventilating in a cold sweat. It had felt as if his body was being torn apart. There were millions-- billions even, of voices in his mind, filling his skull and making his head feel like it was bursting at the seams. He needed something, anything, to ground him. He needed...

“And,” Ren stopped, seemingly choking on his words as they came out short and clipped, as if it pained him to speak of it. “You just--”

“Stop,” Hux interrupted him, body going still. His fingers twitched, wanting to run over that one place, but he restrained himself. He took in a deep breath and released it slowly. It was as if everything had sped up and slowed down at the same time. His thoughts were flying through his mind at an impossible rate, yet he was still acutely aware of every second Ren sat next to him studying the general carefully.

“You saw all that?” he finally asked. He felt his stomach sink when the knight nodded his head slowly. “How much?” he added weakly.

Ren licked his lips, choosing his words carefully. His mouth opened and closed several times before any sound came out.

“I felt it more than saw it,” he explained. “But I did see when you locked yourself in your bathroom. I tried to remove myself but the projection was so _strong_ \-- I couldn’t…” He swallowed audibly. “I thought you were going to do something irrational.”

Hux couldn’t stop the scoff that bubbled forth at that.

“What? Kill myself?” he questioned. He had to stop himself from laughing. “Do you honestly think I would leave time for anyone to stop me? It would be a clean shot to the head. No one’s fixing that.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“Can’t I though?” Hux countered. “I don’t remember you having a say in the matter.”

“You’re the General of the First Order,” Ren tried again, a sudden conviction entering his voice. “It’s your job to eliminate chaos and restore order to the galaxy by eliminating the Republic.”

“Perhaps. However I don’t believe I’ll be in possession of this rank for much longer, not after the Starkiller base. It’ll make a nice title for the death records though.”

Ren was silent after that. They both knew that such a major setback as Starkiller wouldn’t go unpunished. So many of their resources had been poured into that project that they were set back by several months, if not years now. And with the amount of officers that had gone down with the base, the blame was all but sure to go to Hux.

Ren’s lapse into silence was all the confirmation that Hux needed. A sigh escaped his lips as he fought to slow his thoughts down from their currently maddening pace. It was only through years of practice of keeping his composure that he didn’t try to snap Ren’s neck when the knight spoke again.

“Regardless, will you sleep please?” The request sounded ridiculous coming from man’s mouth. It was as if someone else had dubbed over it instead.

“Why do you care so much?” Hux countered. “Last time I checked my physical and mental health wasn’t any of your concern.”

Ren pursed his lips at that. Hux could tell there was so much more he wanted to say, so he pushed.

“It was my impression that me lifeless in a puddle of my own blood and brains would bring you some joy. Or does your anger not stretch as far as you have previously alluded?”

“Shut up,” the knight grit out. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I care?”

Hux narrowed his eyes at the implication. No he hadn’t considered it. Namely, because the idea itself sounded ridiculous even though Ren had just articulated it not even seconds ago.

“Actually, no. It hadn’t. Because ever since you set foot on my ship you have seemingly made it your sole mission to make my job as hard as possible.”

“Things change.”

“Why.”

“Fuck Hux,” Ren cursed, exasperated. “I don’t know. This just really wears on me.” After some thought he amended his previous statement. “It bothers me.”

“I still fail to understand how that requires you becoming involved in my sleeping habits,” Hux began. “However, if you have truly been subject to my dreams every night then you should know why I’m opting to remain awake.”

“You can’t stay awake forever.”

“No, but given I’m about to rest for an eternity this seems fit don’t you think?” Hux peeked over at Ren, who was obviously unnerved by how easily Hux kept throwing around the notion of his own death. There was a war being waged behind those brown eyes, and Hux could tell with each passing second that Ren was quickly losing the battle with himself. He looked away out the front of the ship again, idly watching the stars pass by.

He didn't understand why he was even having this conversation right now, why Ren was here, why he cared, and more importantly why Hux was even answering any of this man’s questions.

Suddenly, sleeping seemed like a good idea.

He was stubborn though and he waited with the knight in silence until Phasma came back out to resume her duties. Ren stood, and just before he left the cockpit, turned back.

“Sleep,” he simply said again, and exited the room.

Hux waited ten minutes. He didn't want to seem like he was following the knight around. He looked over to Phasma and asked for an estimate on their arrival.

“About a day or so out sir,” she replied calmly.

 _A day until you die_ , his mind amended the statement. Hux nodded, trying to keep a straight face, and stood. “Very well. I’m going to retire to the back rooms for a bit. Do notify me if anything turns up.”

“Of course, sir.”

Hux strode briskly back to his room, deliberately not looking at the door to Ren’s quarters. He went past the three stormtroopers, still diligently sitting strapped into their seats. He made a brief stop by the medical supplies, and if any of the soldiers saw him grab several sleeping droughts they said nothing.

He entered his room, being sure to lock the door this time, and sat on the bed, tugging off his calf-high boots before retrieving the vials from his greatcoat pocket. A normal dosage was one vial, so Hux set out two.

He did not want to be conscious for a while.

No, he didn't want to focus or think over his conversation with Ren. He wanted the all encompassing peace of sleep without interruptions.

He downed both of the droughts in less than a few seconds and laid back on the bed. He took a deep breath, willing his muscles to relax as he breathed out.

He was asleep within minutes.

///

_The planet was collapsing, Hux could tell that much. Yet this was not the same planet as they had built Starkiller on. No, this planet was far more desolate. There were miles of land that was covered with nothing but a dark greyish purple dust. There were no trees, and Hux doubted that anything could survive on this planet, not naturally at least._

_It was crumbling beneath his feet though now, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to move. There was power flowing through him, too much. It felt like his body was being ripped apart from the inside out. Voices were screaming at him, like knives slicing through his brain._

_**Destroy** , they said. **End it.**_

_Hux cried out as yet another wave of power rushed through him and the planet seemed to shudder as well. He was beyond coherency at this point. The galaxy flitted behind his eyes: glimpses of various nebulae and systems, all the different possibilities of what was to come and what had already passed. He could feel everything and nothing at the same time._

_He felt infinite._

_He focused on the ground he stood on. He reached out with his mind, meticulously pulling the planet apart, as if atom by atom. All that it was was within his grasp and he quickly unraveled the threads of its being, destroying them and casting them into the void as he went._

_“Hux!” someone screamed. It was so distant. Hux struggled to pay any attention to it. Everything was so far away now._

_He barely registered when the ground disappeared from his view and the sky took its place. Had he fallen? There was a thick copper taste in his mouth as well, blood perhaps?_

_He turned his head, body moving as if submerged in water, and observed the black figure sprinting towards him. They were shouting his name frantically, over and over again. Hux almost wanted to ask them if they knew what he was doing, if they knew the planet was collapsing. That its existence would quite literally be wiped from the galaxy._

_The figure finally reached him and they fell to their knees in a rush, quickly gathering Hux’s lithe frame in their arms. Two hands grasped his face, making him look them in the eye. They should be familiar; Hux knew that much. He should remember those clothes and that face yet he couldn’t manage to find a name to put to it._

_“Force, your eyes,” the mystery person swore, voice deep and ragged. He frantically started to pat at Hux’s cheek again when his head lolled to the side._

_“Hey! Hey, stay with me. You hear me?” the man said desperately. “Hux you can stop now. It’s done. Do you understand? We did it. You can let it go now. You have to let all that power go.” He sat both of them up, moving Hux closer into his lap. His hand smoothed the stray strands of red hair from the older man’s face ever so gently, a gentleness that betrayed the fact that the world planet was about to be destroyed._

_“Come back to me.”_

///

Hux woke up gasping. He immediately threw the covers back and ran for the bathroom.

There wasn’t much to throw up. The last time he had eaten anything solid had been back on the Starkiller base. He could only seem to make himself keep down meager liquid rations now.

He held the rim of the toilet in a white knuckled grip with one hand to steady himself while he fumbled around in his pocket. He fell back and leaned against the wall as his fingers finally found purchase around the smooth metal of a lighter.

There wasn’t have time to lament the fact that he didn’t have any of his usual instruments. He quickly shed his greatcoat, tossing it to the side and rolled up his sleeves. He only took a few short moments to observe the map of scars on his bicep. They were scattered and disorderly, some overlapping others. It made a small bubble of calm swell in him. This, this was the one thing he allowed himself to be unorganized in.

He was about to ignite the lighter on when he felt a pressure at the back of his mind. It was pressing against his conscience urgently and Hux grimaced. He pressed back against it unthinkingly, sealing his mind off. Out in the bedroom he could hear someone banging on the door, but it only made him retreat more.

He blocked everything out: all the extraneous noise, the pressure at his mind, he willed it all away. In this room, nothing else existed, nothing could find him. In this room he could find release.

A small orange flame flickered to life, gently swaying away from him as Hux panted. He watched it fervently, almost becoming lost in its shape and the way it moved. He eventually extinguished the flame though once he deemed the metal hot enough and held out his left arm.

His eyes only roamed over the expanse of pale skin for a few seconds before he chose a spot and quickly pressed the tip of the lighter down into it. He bit his lower lip to keep himself silent as his skin sizzled beneath the hot metal. This pain was sharp; it grounded him.

He let his head hit the back wall where it gave a dull thud. A few more seconds passed before Hux eventually lifted the lighter away from his skin. It left a small oval shape, raised and red. It would also likely blister. Hux was grateful for that. He would need something to get through the next few days.

He ran his finger over the mark lightly, wincing at how it throbbed but let a bitter smile cross his face. His mind was clearing already. Pain always brought clarity and with it, blissful numbness.

Leaving no time to question himself, he clicked the lighter on again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So that's the first chapter (dramatic note to end it on, I know). Please let me know what you thought or if you enjoyed it. It's much appreciated!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [aniskywlkr](http://aniskywlkr.tumblr.com).


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